Revolutionize Your Self-Talk: Exploring the Art of The Self-Compassion
“Treat others as you would have them treat you”- how many thousands of times have you heard this truth? How about another way of saying, “Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you?” It sounds as complicated as the first: as a rule, each of us is our worst critic.
Let’s talk about self-compassion: a powerful tool for improving mental well-being and building a stronger sense of self. Read on to explore the benefits of self-compassion and discover strategies for incorporating it into your daily life.
When the inner critic can be silent
When someone close to us is feeling the dark times, we know exactly what to say: “I’m very sorry. What do you need most right now? Is there anything I can do to help? Remember: I’m always here for you.” We understand how to speak softly and sympathetically, and in doing so, we instinctively try to relax our muscles. We know how to touch in a way that makes us feel cared for, we can hug and take a hand. We are also well aware of how fierce and determined we can be when we stand up for our loved ones. We have the wisdom to know precisely what action to take at a given moment.
But unfortunately, we tend to treat ourselves without much-needed empathy.
Instead of pausing and asking ourselves what could comfort and support us, we judge ourselves, rush to solve problems, or simply retreat into misery.
Take the following example: you forget your phone in a hurry in a taxi. What will your inner voice tell you? Probably something like, “You’re such a klutz. What, do you make so much money that you can’t throw your devices away? Where was your brain when you got out of the cab?”
Would you say something like that to your friend in such a situation? Probably not. But we say it to ourselves regularly, and we think it’s right. We treat ourselves disgustingly-even more cruelly-than we treat our enemies.
There is a myth that self-criticism works and motivates us to achieve something. But studies have shown a link between regular self-criticism and a greater predisposition to depression and eating disorders. People who attack themselves are less likely to cope with stress, chronic illness, and loss. There is also research supporting the effectiveness of developing self-compassionate kindness: self-compassionate people show higher levels of empathy, tend to care more about others, resolve conflicts more effectively and have better life satisfaction.
What is self-compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff, a researcher of self-compassion and the first to define the term academically, describes self-compassion as a self-directed emotional expression with three obligatory components:
- Kindness to yourself, refraining from harsh self-criticism.
- Acknowledging that all people are imperfect and sometimes go through difficulties.
- Attention to and awareness of your experiences, even painful ones, rather than ignoring or exaggerating them.
What self-compassion is NOT:
Self-compassion is not self-pity When people feel self-pity, they wallow in their problems and forget that others have them too. They ignore their connections to others and instead feel that they are the only ones in the world who are suffering. In addition, self-pitying people often get carried away and immerse themselves in their emotional drama. They cannot step out of that role and look at themselves from the outside. On the other hand, self-compassion allows a person to see themselves and others without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. You have empathy and don’t feel that you are the poorest person on the planet.
Self-compassion is not about indulging your desires “I’m nervous today, so to be kind to myself, I’ll just flip through Instagram all day and eat two pizzas”-this approach may work as a last resort, but all such self-compassion implies that you want to be happy and healthy in the long run. In this case, you are motivated by self-care, not a sense of duty.
Self-compassion is not about self-esteem People feel compassion for themselves because everyone deserves kindness and understanding, not because they are beautiful, smart, or talented. Self-compassion is not dependent on external circumstances; it is always available, especially when you “fall flat on your face.” Self-compassion also contributes to greater self-understanding because you can admit personal shortcomings with kindness and don’t have to hide them.
How do you learn to be kind to yourself?
An essential first step toward self-compassion: compare your attitude toward yourself in difficult moments with how you treat your loved ones when difficulties occur with them. The best indicator is your attitude toward your friends, not your partner or family members: very close relationships are often biased. We are more conscious with friends because these relationships are voluntary, and we don’t take them for granted. This means that it is with friends that we show our best qualities.
So, have you pictured yourself in a relationship with your friends? Let’s move on to practice:
Write yourself a letter. Express what you say to someone in the same situation as you. What words of encouragement would you say? Put it aside and reread it a little later.
Write down a conversation with yourself. If you don’t fit into your jeans or say something stupid, write down the words of criticism immediately coming to your mind. And then ask yourself, would you say something similar to your friend? What would your friend say to you?
Make up a self-compassion mantra for yourself. Kristin Neff suggests coming up with something easy to remember so that at a critical moment, you can remember your words and repeat them to yourself several times. These don’t have to be positive affirmations. Instead, they should be reminders.
For example: “This is a moment of distress. Suffering is an essential part of life. I can be kind to myself at this moment, and I can give myself the care that is so needed now.”
Meditate. — we never tire of reminding you of the importance of this practice in every piece. Meditation is a process through which, with contemplation and relaxation, we can loosen the grip of self-critical thoughts and emotions. And it also develops awareness: the ability to observe our thoughts and emotions from the outside and accept them without trying to suppress them or deny them. It is fully recognizing what is happening to us and fully accepting ourselves for who we are.
Learning to hear yourself, to have compassion for yourself, to accept yourself as you are, with all the positives and negatives, is an art. Becoming enlightened in our crazy rhythm of life is unlikely. But learning to stop beating ourselves up over every little thing (there are plenty of people around who want to do this to us) is a necessity. Love yourself, and those around you will follow.
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